The world is awesome

A few days after the miscarriage, I took a much needed day off. It was the best thing that I've done in a long time.

It was a rare warm day for late October. My plan was to see where my heart would take me, camera in hand, and also throw in lunch with a friend and a relaxing massage in the afternoon.

The morning started off foggy. I took the opportunity to sit in a coffee shop and slowly sip a cup of tea - a rare treat when you've got a toddler.

Mid-morning, the fog lifted. And then everything, I mean EVERYTHING, just looked... beautiful to me.

I met up with my friend Alyson and her adorable little girl for lunch. After our original plans failed, we ended up at By The Way Cafe. Alyson told me the story of why she and her husband call this their "victory cafe" - after going through a really tough time moving to Toronto, the stars aligned one day and things settled. And they celebrated at this very same cafe.

It seemed a fitting sentiment for my day too. Things are going to get better.

My little angel must have been with me all day. Showing me how awesome our world is. Whispering to me, "Don't worry mommy... I can see it from here." And that thought warms my soul.

So when I'm feeling down, I look up, look around, and find beauty in something. I think that's what my baby would have wanted me to do.

Thankful

Because it's November, a lot of my American friends have been talking about things to be thankful for. And difficult as it has been, this experience has given me so much to be thankful for.

I am thankful that my body reacted quickly, and dealt with the miscarriage on its own.

I am thankful for doctors, nurses, and hospital administrators who work so hard.

I am thankful for amazing friends, who have been unbelievably supportive to me through this. Especially my online mommy group, most of whom have never even met me in person.

I am thankful for my awesome husband, who always gives the most comforting hugs.

I am thankful for my beautiful child. It's been hard not to smile with him around.

I am thankful for a great job, and a great boss who has been completely understanding, and given me the flexibility to go to all of my appointments and also take a much-needed day off for some me time.

I am thankful that I had a wonderful day off, to recharge my soul and remember that the world is actually a pretty awesome place. (More on that later.)

Most of all, I am thankful to have learned how deeply I was capable of loving someone that I never even knew. My baby taught me that. For someone who only lived inside me for six weeks, that's a pretty amazing accomplishment.

Aching

My computer is nearing the end of its life, so I've been going through old photos, backing them up and pruning them in an effort to clear some space on my hard drive.

I'm usually the one behind the camera, so there aren't very many photos of myself. The most recent ones I found were from Darian's birthday, back in July.

Two months before the BFP. Three months before the miscarriage.

I couldn't help but reflect on what my life looked like just those three short months ago. I realized that this was the smile of someone who had never experienced a loss.

But it was also the smile of someone who didn't realize how much she could love a child she had never known.

For the first few days, I thought I was only grieving the loss of the hopes and dreams of what this baby could have become. I mean, I had never known the baby as a person; I hadn't even felt pregnant.

But then, a couple of days later, I started talking to him. "I'm sorry that I couldn't carry you," I said. "I'm sorry that you never even got have to heartbeat." I ached for my child, who would never get to know his big brother, or see daylight, or learn to walk. I ached for him, because I loved him, and I missed him.

I honestly did not know I was capable of this. I don't know if it makes me sound like a terrible mother. But how can you really know how you feel about someone you've never met?

This has been a terribly painful experience so far, but I think/hope that I will emerge a better person for it.

A loss

On September 19, I had one of the biggest surprises of my life when I found out I was pregnant with baby #2. That week, I happened to be at home with my son who was sick, so I had the fun opportunity of getting him a "Big brother" shirt and dressing him up to surprise daddy that evening.

Daddy was shocked, to say the least.

We hadn't planned for two under two, but after a few days went by, we started getting excited and envisioning our new lives as parents of two.

The pregnancy progressed very smoothly. Maybe too smoothly. I commented many times how strange it was that I felt no symptoms, as I had been nauseated, fatigued, and terribly run down while pregnant with Darian. But I told myself that every pregnancy was different, and to count my blessings that I was feeling so great.

On October 17, I had a dating ultrasound. Early ultrasounds aren't standard for low-risk pregnancies, but I had requested one for peace of mind because of the lack of symptoms. Thus started a rollercoaster of emotions that we've been riding for the past week.

The ultrasound showed what looked like a 5.5 week pregnancy. I should have been close to 8 weeks. No heartbeat. Nothing was diagnosed; I was ordered to do bloodwork, and a follow-up ultrasound in a week. I was not optimistic.

Two days later, the bleeding started. I cried at the sight. I didn't know whether I would cry, given that I knew it was inevitable. But it felt good to start letting it out after holding my breath for the past two days. In hindsight, I'm grateful and amazed that it started so quickly, on its own.

By God's grace, I hope that our baby is now in heaven, and has a good spot to sit and watch over us. Over the past week, I have been slowly trying to move on. I find that there is something new to think about, something new to grieve, every day. But that feels like progress, I think progress is good. 

Secrets of parenthood

There are a few things about parenthood that people don't usually talk about.

You might not fall in love with your baby right away.

Your relationship with your spouse will probably change, and maybe not for the better at first.

You won't forget pre-baby life. You may even remember it fondly.

Sometimes, you won't like your baby.

Sometimes, you'll wonder if it was worth it.

But even if you have doubts about whether you'll like parenting, you will love your child more than anything. And it will all fall into place from there. One day at a time.

Wall art from a collection

This was such a simple project, but I've gotten so many compliments on it that I thought I'd post it.

We all have a collection of something. No matter when or how it started, it probably means more and more to you as it grows.

For several years, I've had a collection of programs from musicals, plays, and operas that I've seen. This collection has been living in a shoe box for several years.

(Sorry, I didn't take pictures of the process, but I'm sure you can imagine how I did this just by looking.)

Anyway, now that I have lots of empty walls to fill, I thought I'd do something with these. The programs were all the same format, slightly larger than 5x7. So, I picked 18 of my favourite, and cropped the covers to 5x7.

I arranged them in 3 rows of 6 pictures = 3x7in down and 6x5in across (or 21x30 in total in case you forgot your multiplication tables :) ) I taped these together at the back.

Then, I found a 24x36in poster frame from Michael's that was slightly bigger. It even came with a backing poster that had black borders, so I cheated and used that as a makeshift mat. I stuck the whole thing in the centre of the mat and popped it into the poster frame.

What I love about it is that it's a conversation starter. When people come over, they ask about such-and-such show that they see pictured in the frame, and that often starts a conversation about theatre, which I obviously love.

There you have it! If you have a collection that's sitting in a shoebox, go dig it up and show it off!

Fluffy bums

So, I use cloth diapers on Darian's bum. I love it now, but I made a LOT of mistakes in the beginning which could have steered me back to disposables had I not spent a significant amount of money on the things.

The Prep

Let's start at the beginning. Long before I was pregnant, I came across a thread on The Nest about cloth diapers. I was intrigued. So I looked it up, read about the virtues (Save the environment! Save money! No rash! No poopsplosions! And they're cute!), and decided that when the time came, I'd give it a shot.

Victor wasn't convinced, but since I'd be the one staying home, changing most diapers, and doing laundry, he agreed.

Once I was pregnant, I tried to read up, but was overwhelmed without actual samples to look at. At a friend's suggestion, I visited a local cloth diaper shop. The woman in the shop gave us a riveting demonstration of the different types, and we went ahead and bought the whole starter kit of 30 brand new diapers plus all the accessories.

From what I had read earlier, I thought that all-in-ones would take too long to dry, and pockets would be too much effort to stuff. So I got some Totsbots Bamboozle bamboo fitteds with covers, and some Grovia all-in-2s with snap in cotton soakers, all "one size" which would fit from about 9-35 lbs. (I'd explain it all but others have done a better job, so you can read more on The Awesome Cloth Diaper Blog.)

Victor and I had agreed to stick with disposables for the newborn stage, and then transition to cloth as parenthood became more manageable. I figured that the baby would start fitting in the one-size diapers within about a month. I was excited.


Starting out

Darian was born at 7 lbs 11 oz. The newborn-sized disposables lasted about two weeks before he started outgrowing them and we decided to try out a Grovia. He was probably around 9 lbs by then.

I snapped it to the smallest setting, put it on him and it looked HUGE. A couple of hours later, I changed the diaper and was disappointed at how wet it felt. I thought there was no way they'd last through a night.

See? Huge, right?

At one point, he had an explosive poop which scared the cat, but more importantly, leaked all over the place.

We had slightly better luck with the Bamboozles, but they were also way too bulky.

Not only that, but Darian was a very gassy newborn, and the bulky cloth diapers made it difficult for us to deal with that. Thin disposables, being much thinner and more flexible, made it easier for us to pump his legs to help with the gas.

Finally, I did find the laundry a little overwhelming. Both the Bamboozles and Grovias seemed to take forever to dry.

I started to think this was a mistake, and an expensive one.

Growing into them

So, we kept using mostly disposables through the first three months. I kept using the cloth every now and then, but by no means full time.

I also took back some of the Grovias, and exchanged them for Fuzzibunz.

Fortunately, I loved the Fuzzibunz - they fit Darian well, they are fairly trim, and the microfibre inserts dry quickly. And stuffing pockets wasn't as big a deal as I thought!

Happy bum, happy baby!

When Darian turned three months old, Victor went back to work. Left to my own devices, I started using cloth full-time. I braved night-time cloth diapering with the Bamboozles and lo and behold, they worked! I joined cloth diaper buy/sell/trade communities and sold off some of the Bamboozles in order to buy some more used Fuzzibunz (saving enough Bamboozles just for night-time use).

Also, Darian started growing into the diapers, and outgrowing his gas issues, so that they bulkiness was no longer an issue. I started noticing that the cloth was way better at containing poops (it wasn't a big issue when Darian was a newborn because poops were regular and small... but as he got bigger, they got bigger and more forceful). And I got into a groove with the laundry.

So now, I'm loving it. I almost never deal with diaper leaks, and if I do, they're very tiny. I even use cloth when we go out - even though the diapers are bulkier to carry, it's so much easier to do that than change clothes while we're out. Today was our first garbage day without a single diaper in the trash.

And they're delicious!

If I could start again...

- I'd start with trying a few different types (natural and synthetic fibres, pockets, AIOs, AI2s and fitteds) rather than deciding that one or two would work for us
- I'd try to start with some cheaper brands or buy used
- I'd consider buying newborn fluff, or at least realize that one-size wouldn't work for at least a couple of months
- I'd join a community where I could chat with other cloth diapering mamas and learn a lot more

So, that's my story. I realize that a lot of these mistakes have been discussed in blogs and whatnot (including the one I linked above), but hey... live and learn.