Hard wired

You know how most newborns are swollen, wrinkled, and generally kinda funny looking?

Before Darian was born, I had told Victor, "When he's born, I'm going to have a rush of hormones telling me that he's the most beautiful thing in the world, but please feel free to tell me if our baby is funny looking. I want to know the truth."

Well, he was born and we both thought he was the most beautiful and adorable thing, ever. Of course.

Anyway, this morning, I was looking through some pictures and videos from the early days. And it turns out, he was a little funny looking. I mean, he was cute like all babies are cute, but really... his face was kinda wrinkly and not quite filled out, his features kinda misproportioned, and he looked super grumpy all the time.

And I found this video. It's not so notable... except that about halfway through, I say: "Why are you in such a good mood?"

We watched it and said, "... THAT'S a 'good mood'??" How were we so incredibly deluded?

Darian smiles and giggles regularly now and my heart overflows with joy to see him every day. I guess back then, 'not crying' signified a 'good' mood.

It's amazing how we are wired to get through the dark times... and then forget them.

Regrets

I won't lie. I sometimes miss my pre-baby life.

They say that you don't even remember what was life was like before your baby entered it, but that hasn't been the case with me. I remember it clearly, and I have fond memories of it.

It was a pretty good life. Victor and I lived downtown, biked to work, walked to any of the nearby restaurants for dinner out on a dime, and travelled now and then. Just before I got pregnant, we were toying with the idea of visiting Peru. Now we've had to lament the possibility that we may never get to see Machu Picchu.

I don't want to go through life with regrets, and I've wondered whether this will be one. I've had some pretty awesome experiences, but Machu Picchu was one that I really wanted to add to the list.

But then the other day, while I was changing Darian's diaper, I tried to entertain him by razzing my lips. And he copied me and razzed back!

And I can say with certainty, THAT was the most awesome thing that's ever happened to me in my life.

Works in progress

When Darian hit the 11-week mark, it's like he became a new baby. He's spending a lot more time being alert, less time fussing and crying, sleeping well, and he's happy to let us put him down in his chair where he can amuse himself with his hands for maybe half an hour at a time. Sometimes I don't even know what to do with him anymore now that I'm not operating in crisis mode 100% of the time.

So, with that being said... back to some non-baby related business.

House projects came to a bit of a standstill when he was born but I've started finding a little more time on my hands now that he naps well. So, I thought I'd post before pics of the next rooms that I want to tackle.

The den:

This is a big long room, no bathrooms or really interesting features. The pic doesn't do the paint colour justice, but it's a very pretty light aqua (BM Palladian Blue - I had blogged about it here). Behind me is a window and a small futon, and on the right, across from the desk, there are a series of bookcases (it was hard to get a good picture of them). I'm hoping to turn this area into a playroom / music room / office. The biggest challenge is figuring out how to divide the space since it's so long and skinny.

The living room:

This room is directly above the den, so again, it's long and skinny. It's painted in BM Litchfield Gray. The main thing I want to tackle is decorating that huge blank wall behind the TV - get a wider TV stand, get a bigger dining table, put up some artwork in the dining area, and maybe, just maybe make an accent wall out of the long wall. The photo wall above the couch will be expanded - this is just what I managed to do with the frames I already had before we moved here - and the artwork will be changed up to be more harmonious.

So many ideas swimming around in my head!

Sherlock & Darian

A lot of people have been asking me how the cat is getting along with the baby.

He mostly ignored Darian when we first brought him home. As far as he was concerned, Darian was just a noisemaker who woke him up from his naps. Sometimes he'd even get up, give Darian this "What the heck?" look, and walk off in a huff.

Lately, Sherlock seems to have accepted that Darian is part of the family. He sidles up to us when Darian is nursing and sniffs him, or nuzzles up to his feet. When visitors come to our house, Sherlock keeps a close eye on them as they hold Darian.

Sherlock never showed any interest in the nursery chair before Darian was born or immediately after, but it's now his favourite spot. I guess he thinks the party is at Darian's crib.

I hope they become great friends one day.

Mama Bear

You know how they say that it's really dangerous to get between a mama bear and her cubs?

I totally get it now.

The other day, Victor and I were taking a walk and stopped at an intersection waiting for the light to change. It turned green, and literally one second later, an impatient driver honked at the front car for not moving on the green light RIGHT AWAY. This car horn was about 10 ft away from us.

Darian woke up and started screaming. Luckily he only cried for a few seconds and drifted back to sleep.

To this day, I am STILL angry at this driver. You make my baby cry? I'm gonna get you.

Dependency

Darian is rather a high maintenance little boy. He loves to be held, and it's pretty hard to put him down and let him amuse himself so that we can get stuff done. He's recently started to become interested in his mobile and playmat, but those only work for maybe 10-15 minutes before he gets bored and starts to fuss.

This is kind of frustrating, but yesterday it occurred to me that there will come a day soon enough when he won't need or want to be held as much. There will come a day when he'll stop letting me hold his hand, and there will come a day when he leaves home.

And on those days, I will never regret that my house was dirty all those years ago. I'll only regret that I couldn't hold him more.

A birth story

My beautiful little boy Darian Thomas was born on July 14th, 2011 at 9:17 AM.

Just a few days old

And a month later!

Around noon on July 13th, I was relaxing at home when I started noticing painless contractions. I suspected Braxton-Hicks contractions, but Victor insisted on timing them, and we realized that they were about 15-20 minutes apart. I tried not to get too excited for fear of false labour and went about my day. (We even kept dinner plans that we had with Victor's cousin from out of town; I kept having contractions during dinner while she - an ER doctor - told us all sorts of interesting labour and delivery stories.)

I already had an OB appointment scheduled for the next morning. As I got ready for bed, I figured that I'd go to the appointment with my hospital bags and be prepared to check in if necessary. But it turned out that I would need to go sooner than that. Around 10:00pm, the contractions started getting quite strong, so I started tracking them. Within half an hour, they progressed from 10 to 5 minutes apart. At 12:30am on Thursday morning, we headed to the hospital.

By the time we got to the hospital, the contractions were strong enough that I had to stop in my tracks and brace for each one. After quickly being admitted, I went to L&D triage, where the first thing the nurse asked me was, "So why are you here?" I was utterly confused - after all, wasn't this L&D triage?

After I told them I was having contractions, they led me to a bed and I waited what seemed like forever to be seen. I started having to take the contractions either leaning over, or squatting. Finally, a nurse came in, asked me a series of questions about my medical history, hooked me up to some monitors, and told me that I'd be monitored for 20 minutes. The monitors limited my ability to move around and I had to take the contractions lying awkwardly reclined in the stretcher, which was hard. The nurse told me that my contractions were coming every 2-3 minutes. She left the room and the monitors stopped printing after 15 minutes; Victor went to tell the nurses but they said it was OK.

Finally, they took me off the monitors and I asked to go to the bathroom. When I came back, the nurse told me that they needed to monitor me for another 5 minutes! I started getting annoyed at this point; they had ignored Victor when he alerted them earlier, and I couldn't take another 5 minutes.

A medical student came in. He started asking me the exact same questions that the nurse had asked me earlier! I was completely annoyed, but in too much pain to protest. Victor answered most of the questions for me while I took the contractions squatting beside the bed. Suddenly, I felt nauseated and said that I had to throw up; they managed to get me a container just in time. I guess that's when they realized how far along I actually was. Another nurse came in soon after that and checked me - I was already 9cm dilated!

I was surprised, relieved, and anxious that this might soon be over! They wheeled me up to the labour & delivery room. I was asked whether I wanted an epidural; I had always planned on it, but I briefly thought about what the instructor had said during our prenatal class - "If you've gotten this far, you're almost done!" But Victor kept saying to me, "There's no trophy at the end," and I decided that I didn't want to push through that pain. The anesthetist was thankfully very quick in getting me that epidural, and I took the opportunity to get some sleep.

Soon after I got the epidural, I was told that I was fully dilated but that the baby was only at -1 station. They told me to wait for the contractions to do the work; otherwise I might spend hours pushing. Eventually, they administered pitocin to help it along. At some point, I was told to give a practice push... I couldn't believe it was almost time! I felt excited to meet my baby but anxious that everything was about to change. The practice push worked well and the OB fellow told me that she could already see the head.

At this point, I was REALLY ready to meet this baby. But I had to wait a little while longer to let him descend further. I slept a little longer, lulled by the sound of his heartbeat on the monitor. The night shift ended and a new OB resident introduced herself... turns out, I recognized her as a former student of my boss and one of my former TAs from undergrad. The nurse's shift also ended and two others took over.

It later turned out that the OB fellow from the night shift had to stay late to supervise the resident because it was a busy morning. I remember feeling really glad that she'd be there... it was an emotional time and I had become attached to everyone who had been taking care of me through the night. Finally, the resident came in and told me it was time to push! I don't know why I expected it to be more ceremonious, but for some reason I was really surprised that the time had come, just like that.

I pushed through five contractions. At the fourth contraction, I felt very aware of the moment that his head was crowning and hoping that the next would bring our baby into the world. Finally, he was here! Victor took a look and said, "It's a Darian!" (our boy name). I didn't cry, laugh, or feel emotional; I was simply stunned. He cried as soon as he was out and they said that he had a great set of lungs (that's my boy!). They wrapped him up and gave him to me and I said hello and happy birthday.

Six weeks

Darian is now six weeks old and Victor and I are totally in love! There are rough days and nights, but then he flashes a little smile and all is forgotten. He furrows his brow a lot, which always makes him look like a skeptical little man. He is growing like a weed and becoming more and more interactive every day. I am so excited to watch this little guy's personality develop as he gets older.